Application Paper #1: One of Many, Part 4
"Seeking and receiving the acceptance of the Lord will lead to the knowledge that we are chosen and blessed by Him. We will gain increased confidence that He will lead us and direct us for good. His tender mercies will become evident in our hearts, in our lives, and in our families." (Being Accepted of the Lord)June 19,
I feel my reaching hands being grasped in love. It's all the small and simple things that expand those glimpses, "expand the sliver in the wall." Great things are being brought to pass through those simple means. Like:
- A movie. A story of one man's gift on Adam's birthday leaves us ponderous. Our conversation in the car to the restaurant is heartfelt and a bit raw, full of my yearnings and questions and Adam's faith and hope. He comes to an idea that I felt nudging me but had dismissed. We come home and he follows through.
- A promise laid upon my head. A conversation is recalled - I'm not even sure if my need was a category discussed, but I feel to call. A name and number is given. A phone call is made. An appointment. An unusual test. Drops I ingest are turning into ripples all across the pond. No, not a pond - it might change the landscape of my whole world. The subsequent healing that begins already, only days later, comes in unexpected ways that are higher and broader than any I or Adam imagined. Evidence that God's ways truly are higher than ours. I feel the truth of what was spoken, "all that He is about to do is to help you see more clearly His love for you, his awareness of you."
- A new version of an old movie. Always cheesy and false-feeling in old versions, this time: expansion in my mind of what existence could have been like before; realization of what we are like now. What we may become is more fully envisioned and made real - Lara's strength lingers for days in my mind. The symbolism inspires. I don't have to imagine so hard what we will be like outside our fallen "boxes." I'm reminded of a passage I read in a book that spoke of how strengthening the "eye of faith" involves an element of imagination - visualization. I remember my thoughts of how the world is so deft at destroying the imagination of children - replacing it, reducing it, pacifying it, distracting from the practice of it. I see the motive more clearly now. Well, Wormwood, you're out of luck. This movie proves to me there are still plenty of people with inspired imaginations. They are inspiring mine; inspiring my faith to reach beyond these walls.
- A book. No words to describe it. Many people trying to, picking at it; warning against it. Others give it to Adam for Father's Day - it's made an impact on them. I steal it while Adam is at work. It's a sifting book I'm told. Don't read the skeptical "reviews." Read it. Whether its true or not, it's one of those books you have to read so you can decide for yourself.
Every page must have a tear drop on it by now. It started with page 8, then 16 and on and on. It's like an embrace. Words that tug on memories of my own. Descriptions that confirm truths I've been tutored in. Words that come with a feeling of Light. That Light goes straight to the heart. I read these words today:
"To really know that He lives, that He is a perfect, benevolent friend who loves me enough to leave the heavens, come to earth and take the time to embrace me, to have a relationship with me, and with all of us who seek Him - this is the sweetest knowledge I have ever known. To know that He knows you far better than you know yourself, and yet He loves you better still and is willing to show you who you are in His sight and what you are capable of...I believed at that time in my life that the Fall was mostly about Adam and Eve and this earth. But I keep being shown that it is even more about mankind and how powerfully the Fall darkened all of our senses. We lost our memory, not only of God, but even more sadly, of ourselves. We don't understand our own worth...we fell from being intelligent enough to understand vast truths." (Page.61-62)
Yes. Those were the words I've needed to hear and here they are, having fallen in my lap at this perfect time. The timing of the Lord. It's beautiful; breathtaking.
There are more words I don't feel right pasting. Words that echo the testimony of an uncle describing the same face, same hair, same beard, same eyes that embraced him while his body lay in a coma. A second witness. Will I change my mind about this book as I continue to read? It seems impossible, but it's happened before.
I know one thing for sure. I have knocked on the door. I have asked. I have begged. And I look back and see the past two weeks as a showering of gifts. Gifts of love from a Man; a God with a face. Who knows mine. My heart knows that now. Some day, I hope to remember His.
I think everything is finished. My heart feels at peace about the matter. But there is more. The physical healing I have been led to makes me start dreaming of riding horses, hiking down mountains with ease, holding a cat, playing three hours on the piano without pain, helping my sister, my son, my husband. What started as curing acne has grown in all directions. Am I getting too excited? Am I too trusting? Too optimistic?
Ask what? That most treasured desire that no one knows - only someone who knows me better than I do could know. It's the cure, the healing that I would choose above all others. I feel silly. But if I could choose one? Horses. How many times have I gone back and read "The Blue Sword"? It's not just because the story symbolically potrays the workings of the Spirit in such a powerful way to my mind. Not just because it was part of the timing of the Lord years ago with other truths my heart had to learn. It's also because - the horses. Every time I read it, I yearn and ache that there is the gulf between me and those majestic animals. It's been years, but I still remember Thanksgiving Point Barn with the kids. I stood closer than I've ever dared, the air is clean enough. I look into the eyes of this majestic animal and something speaks to me. We connect. Like reading souls. I tell Adam, "Honey, before I die, we have to give me some really strong antihistamine shot and have my inhaler handy and spend a day riding and bonding with a really special horse. Even if it kills me. Some day I have to."
I finally get up the gumption to call the "doctor" yesterday while driving home from Ellie and I's guitar class. I have an excuse - a question about how I'm taking the drops. Before hanging up I ask, "Have you ever helped people get rid of allergies to horses?"
"All the time. Sure."
He explains the method. 3-6 months for the body to learn usually. He's done it many times. I hang up. Ellie asks what's wrong. No tissues in this car?!? She holds my hand while I drive. It's all so silly to anyone else, I imagine. But it is the sweetest gift I have ever even had the hope of receiving. Only a personal God could orchestrate all this. I feel known. I've felt known before, but this time, it has the Savior's stamp on it. He's aware. I can't explain how I know. They are thoughts that lie "too deep for tears."